Okay, so I have no idea if anyone is even going to read this blog, but I thought I'd use it as a way to keep myself on track and stay motivated. Even if I'm the only one reading my own posts, at least I've gotten off my chest what I'm thinking and feeling.
Confession #1 - I have had an almost lifelong struggle with my weight. No big surprise there. About half the population of women have this same struggle. I feel as though I've done about every diet under the sun and nothing seems to work. I spent 16 years playing soccer and that kept my weight "under control," but since those days ended, my weight has just continued to climb. Don't get me wrong, even while being a totally conditioned athlete, I have still always had at least 20 extra pounds on me. Since my junior year of college, when I discovered how to work out in a gym, I have always worked out. Sure, there could be weeks where I may only go once or twice and even the occasional month I may not go, but those are the exceptions. Otherwise, I'm working out for 30 minutes to an hour, 4 to 6 days a week. I also eat really well and always have. Really well as in healthy, not big quantity. In fact, I really don't eat that much, quantity-wise, at all. Hence, the struggle I have and the frustration I face. Even while pregnant with my daughter, I was eating 1600 calories a day and worked out 3 days a week, I still managed to gain 52 pounds. My daughter is almost 2 and back in July, I was only 15 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Then my doctor had to change my birth control pill. In 2 weeks without any type of trying, 10 pounds back on just like that. And that's where I've been since July. I've consistently lost and gained the same 4 to 5 pounds. I've struggled with whether or not I want to go back on the previous pill, but I'm still not even sure it would make a difference. Plus, the old pill cost more, I had longer periods, and I'd also have to deal with the "issue" I had which was the reason for the change anyway.
Confession #2 - I am a Weight Watchers devotee. It really seems to be the only thing that has worked in any way, shape, or form for me. I have been a member since January 2008. I took a hiatus in June 2008 when I found out I was pregnant and then came back in August 2009. In my first 6 months on WW, I lost 15 pounds. Since August 2009 being back on, I have lost a net total of 10 pounds. It works, but it is beyond slow for me. It is really tough in that I can have a near perfect week and I still may only lose 0.5 pounds. I've had numerous tests done by my doctor to figure out what may be wrong with me. The best she's been able to come up with after months of testing is that I probably have bad genes (my parents are both morbidly obese) and my body likes to hoard every single calorie that goes into it. Case in point: I have done an "experiment" on several occasions. I weigh myself, eat 2 hardboiled eggs and drink 8 oz of water. Then I weigh myself again. Almost invariably, my weight jumps by 2 pounds. Did I eat 2 pounds of food? Hell no! So why does it do that? Another interesting example, I weighed myself before going out to dinner to an Indian restaurant. At the restaurant I ate 1 piece of Naan bread and 1/2 cup of rice with 1/2 cup of Chicken Korma. Then the friends I was with wanted to go to Cold Stone for dessert. I got a kid size "sundae," only ate about 3 bites and gave the rest to my husband. When I got home and weighed myself, my weight had jumped up 9 pounds! I most certainly did not even come close to eating 9 pounds worth of food or water. So for anyone thinking it's just the sodium/water retention, it'll be gone by morning, the next morning, only 4 of those pounds were gone. But, I keep plugging away at WW hoping and praying one day my body is just going to "click" and I really will be able to lose the average 2 pounds per week and keep them gone.
Confession #3 - I am an extremely perky, happy person. I've been told this more times than I can count. My outlook on life is that we can choose to be happy with what we've got or we can choose to be unhappy and mope about. I choose to be happy. I recognize that I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, supportive family, and an awesome group of friends who have been there for me for years. I have a job I love (most days), I get to work 3 days a week and be home for long weekends with my daughter, and I have very little stress. These are things that make me happy. My body, on the other hand, I have a love/hate relationship with it. Most days, I love it. It got me through years of hard soccer, it made me start to like cardio and strength training, it also made me start to enjoy running, it has gotten me through several 5ks, a 10k, and even a half-marathon and it helped me to deliver a child. It's pretty cool like that. Then there are the days when I despise it. The days when my weigh-ins just suck, the days when my back is killing me (and I still have 2 weeks left to my next chiropractor appt), the days when my stomach is just so bloated and clothes look awful, and the days when the plantar fasciatis in my foot is acting up and just taking a step feels like a knife in me. Lately I feel like I am letting the hate sink in more and more and I don't like that. I am finding it harder and harder to be happy. I feel so defeated some days that it seems like it would be easier to throw my hands up and say 'what's the point?' But I don't do that and I won't do that. I know that I can do it. I know that I just need to find a way to get my optimism, my body, and my drive all on the same page.
So, that brings me back to my original intention for posting on this blog. I have weight to lose, a lot of it, and I need to get more serious about getting it off. All together, I realistically have between 90 to 100 pounds to lose. But I am taking it in 10 pound increments so I can celebrate the small steps and goals. I am back to my Zumba class at the gym now (couldn't do it for several months due to not being able to jump around due to leg surgery - more on that in another post), and it just makes me feel so good afterwards. Tomorrow, I am finally able to go back to my aerobics class at the gym for the first in months. I have signed up to run the Country Music Half-Marathon in Nashville in April 2011. Training for that begins in earnest on January 2nd, but I'm already getting back outside and getting some short runs in. I just want to feel good again. I want to get my happy back and I want to get healthy. And if by chance, all of that means I can get hotter, all the better....